14 Days of Genitals, Day 5: Corkscrew Cock

What, not impressed by an animal that will bite off its own penis in an attempt to break up with you, or a penis that can high five? Well, how about an animal naturally equipped to do the helicopter / open a bottle of wine?

#4 : Corkscrew Cock

This is definitely very like something from a "As Seen on TV" commercial.

Why have a dick shaped like a knock-off of the elder wand? Sperm competition! 

Pretty different from this, actually

See, lady ducks have a corkscrew-shaped vagina, so gentlemen ducks have to have a similar shape to, erm, scrape out the sperm of previous mates, as it were. Corkscrew cocks aren't just found in Ruddy ducks, but in many different paternally-invested waterfowl. Apparently if you're going to invest all the time in raising that chick, you want to make sure it's yours to begin with.

Coker, C. , McKinney, F. , Hays, H. , Briggs, S. , & Cheng, K. (2002). Intromittent organ morphology and testis size in relation to mating system in waterfowl. Auk (American Ornithologists Union), 119(2), 403-413.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 4: Mother's Milk

Remember in high school when your teacher showed you horror porn (aka, "The Miracle of Life")? A great scare tactic for both sexual intercourse and ever becoming an adult, because as a 14-year-old you figured anyone who would call that mass of blood and crying a "miracle" was someone you did not want to be.

Well, to put it bluntly, humans have it easy.

For one, you don't look like this.

Caecilians (which are a weird amphibian group that look like legless, massively-uglier salamanders with a permanent sad face) have two life strategies which both really suck for mom. Version A: live birth, with several embryos in the female's tum-tum at a time. This gets really crowded since those babies are often more than half the length of the mother's body. Plus, when they come out they look like this:

And this is its good side.

...which is never a pleasant surprise. That's the Vengeance Team's working theory as to why caecilians are mostly blind. btw: sadness-induced self-harm. But what's even worse is what happens before they come out all wriggly and hideous (a several hour ordeal you can youtube at your own leisure). In the womb the baby caecilians use their specialized teeth to scrape away the nutrient-rich "uterine milk" that is produced in the lining of their mother's uterus. Scientists also found bits of the uterus itself in the stomachs of dissected embryos. That's right,  they go for more than just milk, they literally eat part of their mother's organs.

Version B is also a terrible option, which involved reproduction through eggs. Sure, with eggs  nobody's eating you from the inside out, but the commitment of the caecilian mother prevails: for a week after they hatch, the mother will cuddle her little deviant hellspawn as they periodically swarm over her and EAT HER SKIN. And we thought breastfeeding was weird.

Works Cited

Kupfer, A. , Muller, H. , Antoniazzi, M. , Jared, C. , Greven, H. , et al. (2006). Parental investment by skin feeding in a caecilian amphibian. Nature, 440(7086), 926-929.

Wake,  Marvalee H. Fetal Maintenance and Its Evolutionary Significance in the Amphibia: Gymnophiona. Journal of Herpetology , Vol. 11, No. 4 (Oct. 31, 1977), pp. 379-386

14 Days of Genitals, Day 3: The Angle of the (Slime) Dangle

#3: The Angle of The (Slime) Dangle

Quick quiz: is the below an example of a threesome, or is it technically a fivesome?

If you said, "oh god no, please no," you're correct!

Vertebrates aren't the only ones with strange ding-a-lings. Slugs are hermaphrodites with penises as long as their bodies, and that's only the tip (heh) of the iceberg of insanity. The following documentary describes their mating rituals in detail, and in the voice Meaghan's always sort of imagined a slug having - that of an awkward-ed out teenage boy. Skip to minute 2:30ish if you're just interested in the way things with no bones, well, bone. 

 

 

14 Days of Genitals, Day 2: Prehensile Penises

 #2: Prehensile Penises

And to follow up a post on dicks that look like hands, here are some other ding-a-lings that could be confused for palms!

No, how do you do?

Turns out that dolphins and whales have extremely large, prehensile peckers that can explore all sorts of fun nooks and crannies, including hands! Flipper's little Philip is quite lonely and aggressive, too. One study on dolphin and swimmer interactions recorded 13 out of 29 dolphins had periods of misdirected sexual behavior towards buoys, vessels and humans. So next time you wanna go swimming with dolphins make sure you don't wave 'hello' too vigorously...

African elephants, not surprisingly, also have absolutely gigantic male appendages! Not only are they impressive in size, but also function. These prehensile peepees literally sub in as a third leg. Let's take a moment to check out the life of a male elephant:

Belly itch but no fingers? Not a problem, I've got a built-in belly scratcher!

Tired of standing on my own feet? Just use my giant slong to take a quick breather! 

Bugs buzzing all up in my bizniss? Swat 'em with that evolutionary fly catcher! 

Hot momma over by the watering hole? Wave hello AND impress at the same time!

Other Penis Purposes: picking up contact lenses they dropped, dowsing for water, and threatening small snakes.

Works Cited

"Chapter 15 Marine Mammals: Fisheries, Tourism and Management Issues". Cetaceans that are typically lonely and seek human company. 2003. pp. 266-268. Retrieved December 17, 2006. 
http://scienceblogs.com/notrocketscience/2009/11/07/south-african-wildlife-wait-thats-not-a-trunk/ 

14 Days of Genitals: Day 1, Rushmore's Rod

Valentines Day: the day of love or loneliness, depending on your perspective, but regardless of your relationship status February is a time to reflect on relationships, love, and sex. To celebrate the Vengeance Team is bringing you 14 Days of Genitals, tales of bizarre wiener wonders and stunning stories of the snatch, with one posted each day.

Why? Because for many of us, puberty was a horrifying hormonal roller coaster filled with unexpected body fluids and bizarre downstairs changes that our middle school teachers hadn't prepared us for. Of course, some of you probably grew up in less conservative towns than Meaghan ("Look at this overhead pen, ladies, this is what a tampon looks like" - NO), but irregardless adolescence in general leaves most humans with the general impression that genitals might be pretty useful, but they're definitely damned weird.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have no idea.

Humans are LUCKY, by animal kingdom standards. Do your testicles turn inside out during sex? When you get horny, does your entire ass swell to a glowing red cushion 3x its regular size? No? Well suck it up then, because these shitshows of biology are common for many other members of the animal kingdom.  Fair warning: these posts are graphic, gross, and totally awesome. If you have any sort of heart condition don't click on any of the links - they'll probably take you to the scientific equivalent of soft core porn.

Day # 1: Rushmore's Rod

We're gonna just launch straight into this thing. 

Clear the room, then click play and be thankful your downstairs are shaped the way the are, 

rather than... whatever this is. Also, be thankful this isn't your job.

It's really hard to decide if the silence is better, or even creepier. Regardless, it's clear that the truly disturbing thing here is the four-eyed demon hand that is the Echidna Penis. But for all the lady echidnas out there fleeing for their lives - during sex two of the heads just sort of shut down leaving only half the heads still functional. Because the only thing better than a four-headed johnson is when two of the heads aren't even bothering to pay attention, right??

Works Cited

Johnston, Steve D. and Smith, Brett and Pyne, Michael and Stenzel, Deborah J. and Holt, William V. (2007) One-Sided Ejaculation of Echidna Sperm Bundles.The American Naturalist 170(6):E162-E164.

Roig-Alsina, Arturo. (1993) The evolution of the apoid endophallus, its phylogenetic implications, and functional significance of the genital capsule (Hymenoptera, Apoidea). Bolletino di zoologia. Vol 60 (2).