The ONE day of Genitals: Jewelry-quality Spider Schlong

Hello everyone. You may have noticed that over the last two weeks Amy and Meaghan have shared zero stories about weird animal junk. We did not forget (okay, that's kinda a lie, we forgot a little) but more importantly our brains could not handle another year of diving through science literature for all the filth and smut of the animal kingdom. Eventually your mind numbs and then you're really in trouble when twelve different photos of animal dongs don't disturb you any more.

A series of photos will accurately describe the way we felt/feel about preparing for the 14 days of genitals.

Day 1: "Omg Amy, watch this video of this echidna dick, it's sooooo weird" "HAHAHAHA GROSS BUT COOL, MEAGHAN"

14 Days of Genitals, Day 14: NO DAYCARE NEEDED

Hey you. Hey there. Thank you for making it through these last 14 days with us. We know they've been sometimes gross, sometimes horrifying, and perhaps unneccessarily educational. We're all glad to be here on today, this day of Love/Unnecessarily Commercialized Expression of Sexual Interest, because now we can all stop thinking about animal dicks. But you know what? Even if you didn't get some shitty chalk-flavored heart candies or any form of sexual gratification, at least you aren't throat-pregnant.

NO CANDY? SUCK IT UP.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 13: Lovers and Leftovers

Out there lurking in the cold dark ocean are female octopuses with the coldest blood of all. Barracudas got NOTHING on these stone cold killers.

Octopus sex is just strange to begin with, all those tentacles and hormones swirling around - shit's naturally gonna get dramatic. The male octopus has a tentacle that is his designated "gettin' busy" arm and he places a nicely wrapped package of sperm on that sex arm and sticks it in a slot on the female's body for reproduction. But that's just the beginning. The sex tentacle BREAKS OFF within the female's body and that's it, no more dick for that octopus. He will never regrow his dick-arm and he will eventually die. 

Not gonna get that tentacle back, dude.

But in some species, death is reached much more quickly.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 12: Traumatic Insemination

Trigger warning on this one - Bed Bugs are NOT nice to each other. 
Bed bugs have never been all that appreciated by humans and that's probably gonna continue after you read the following. Bed bugs, specifically Cimex lectularius, have a special little mating adaptation called Traumatic Insemination, which is about as clear a scientific term as there ever was.

The most painful piercing ever

14 Days of Genitals, Day 11: Break Your Dick-Bone

A baculum is a penis bone, and no, you don't have one. Your dog, however, does. Just to clarify all that up front. Now - let's talk very briefly about Dire Wolf Dick-Bones!

Not Featured: Ghost's ENORMOUS SCHLONG

14 Days of Genitals, Day 10: Favoritism in Frogs

Ok, it's been a rough trip so far and everyone needs a little bit of a genital-horror break.

Cute, isn't it? This is Ranitomeya imitator, the mimic poison frog. That little pustule thing on his back is a baby tadpole hitching a ride. Cute, it isn't. But the mimic poison frog papa has clearly got some serious googly eyes for its own young, since it takes care of its tiny froglets for months at a time.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 9: Ninety-nine Red Luftballons (on my face)

Hooded seals roam the north Atlantic ocean leading normal seal lives, diving for fish, sleeping on ice, and inflating their red nasal sacs to the size of a basketball.

VA-VA-VOOM LADIEZ

Wait what?

The male hooded seals are famous for their unique nasal adaptation display that they use during male-male competition for the lady seals. They have an elastic nasal cavity located on the top of their heads that is commonly referred to as the hood, which can be inflated when the seal feels threatened.

Gesundheit!

14 Days of Genitals, Day 8: Fencing Phallus

No, that's not fancy lettuce, it's flatworms penis-fencing

14 Days of Genitals, Day 7: Dick head fish

Phallostethus cuulong A) male; B) female. From Shibukawa et al. 2012. 

A relatively new species of fish was discovered a few summers ago called Phallostethus cuulong, a type of priapium fish from the Vietnamese Mekong. Priapium is a fun new word we just learned and is one that puts the dick in "dickhead" quite literally.

That's not a beard, it's my asshole!

14 Days of Genitals, Day 6: Hanky-No-Panky Pandas

Baby pandas are cute. Really, really cute. Unfortunately, adult pandas seem to be really bad at making them. Why? Well apparently... apathy.

Mating? Meh.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 5: Orgies on the Coral Reefs

You know how you're not supposed to drink ocean water? Trust us... you really don't want to.

Not confetti, just semen

14 Days of Genitals, Day 4: That's Not My Tail

BUT I AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU

If you weren't aware, typical froggy style is messy: the lady shoots out her eggs while her backpack-esque partner sperms all over 'em. Tailed frogs do things a little differently. They live in mountain streams - to keep currents from whirling away all their baby-making goodness, they use internal fertilization just like people do! Except... frogs don't have penises. So what precisely is that tail?

14 Days of Genitals, Day 3: Rock, Paper, I'm Going To Steal Your Girlfriend

Side-blotched lizards are a common lizard in the Western US - they're the rabbit of the lizard world. They're tiny and adorable, and the males come in three color morphs: those with orange throats, those with blue throats, and those with yellow. And all three have different mating strategies.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 2: Dance for your Life

Jumping spiders are the teddy bears of the arachnid world - they're small, fuzzy, and like to launch themselves at you for hug attacks.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 1: Lekky in Love

It's that time of the year again, the time when we horrify and amaze you with facts about animals sex lives in hopes of making you feel so much better than your own (cuz even if you're celibate, at least you don't enjoy humping dead baby seals). This is the third year running - if you're interested in old posts you can follow the "14 Days of Genitals" tag down the rabbit hole.

We're going to pitch a few softballs to start then finish this run with truly horrifying sexual strategies. Today's article focuses on the mating displays of manakins.

The creepy-eyed bird, not the creepy-eyed dress-up dolls.

 

14 Days of Genitals, Day 14: Otter-be Ashamed of Yourself

Sea Otters are perhaps the cutest animals on the planet. We watch a LOT of YouTube videos about baby animals, and also are pretty well-versed in the depths of cutestpaws.com, so we feel like we can make blanket statements about cuteness like that. They are super fuzzy, they hold hands while they float around, they smash their food on their belly, they melt your heart every time you see them at the aquarium: cuteness win.

They also rape and drown baby seals and female otters.

Sea Otters: Suddenly Less Cute.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 13: The Poorly Named Newt

This is a rough skinned newt:

14 Days of Genitals, Day 12: Arms Race Between the Sexes

Survival of the fittest doesn't always mean survival of the nicest. Sometimes assholes are the best at reproducing, and water striders are really, really good at reproducing. 

Not the biggest asshole in the animal kingdom (wait 'til day 14), but close.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 11: Hippo Pu Pu Platter

The hippopotamus is a misunderstood creature. Marketed as cute and cuddly (we mean, have you seen those cheeks?!) the hippo is actually one of the most dangerous animals in the world and also one of the worst to potty-train.

Hmm more floaters than sinkers this time!

14 Days of Genitals, Day 10: Gettin' Freaky with Porcupines

Don't worry - the quills are actually soft during birth, that's not where we're going with this, calm down.

It probably comes as no surprise to anyone that porcupine mating can be tricky. What might surprise you, however, is what masturbating, piss-loving kinksters porcupines are.