14 Days of Genitals, Day 14: Otter-be Ashamed of Yourself

Sea Otters are perhaps the cutest animals on the planet. We watch a LOT of YouTube videos about baby animals, and also are pretty well-versed in the depths of cutestpaws.com, so we feel like we can make blanket statements about cuteness like that. They are super fuzzy, they hold hands while they float around, they smash their food on their belly, they melt your heart every time you see them at the aquarium: cuteness win.

They also rape and drown baby seals and female otters.

Sea Otters: Suddenly Less Cute.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 13: The Poorly Named Newt

This is a rough skinned newt:

14 Days of Genitals, Day 12: Arms Race Between the Sexes

Survival of the fittest doesn't always mean survival of the nicest. Sometimes assholes are the best at reproducing, and water striders are really, really good at reproducing. 

Not the biggest asshole in the animal kingdom (wait 'til day 14), but close.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 11: Hippo Pu Pu Platter

The hippopotamus is a misunderstood creature. Marketed as cute and cuddly (we mean, have you seen those cheeks?!) the hippo is actually one of the most dangerous animals in the world and also one of the worst to potty-train.

Hmm more floaters than sinkers this time!

14 Days of Genitals, Day 10: Gettin' Freaky with Porcupines

Don't worry - the quills are actually soft during birth, that's not where we're going with this, calm down.

It probably comes as no surprise to anyone that porcupine mating can be tricky. What might surprise you, however, is what masturbating, piss-loving kinksters porcupines are.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 9: Marsupial Snatch-Attack

Marsupials are strange critters with their mysterious pouches and non-placental birth, but they get even weirder when you take a peak inside:

 I spy with my little eye.... THREE VAGINAS!

The 14 Days of Genitals, Day 8: Oosik (my dick?)

For some animals, the word boner is quite literal.

Wielding quite the weapon!

This gentleman is holding an oosik, or Walrus Boner Bone. These are found in lots of groups and are called baculums, but none are quite so impressive as the walrus oosik. These things are HUGE: recently, a huge fossilized oosik of an extinct walrus  was sold for $8,000 at an auction. The oosik was FOUR AND A HALF FEET LONG.

Oh myyyyyy

14 Days of Genitals, Day 7: Hyena's She-Wee

All too often the Vengeance Team spends our time talking about male genitalia, when there's a whole world of exciting ladybits out there, too! To mix things up today, we're still sort of talking about penises... but with a twist: we're talking about lady-dicks.

This is the hyena equivalent of jumping up and down, squealing, and saying OMG OMG I MISSED YOU!

14 Days of Genitals, Day 6: Giant Squid Schlongs

Squid are nothing but tentacles and head. Cephalopod literally means head feet. So if you're a cephalopod, whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? 

GIT YOU LOVE-DRUNK OFF MY err... tentunk(le)??

14 Days of Genitals, Day 5: Blue Balls to the extreme

Male Vervet Monkeys have blue testicles. And if the number of google images with them staring in bewilderment at their own nuts is any indication, they are as disconcerted by them as we are.

Wait, WHAT?

Huh.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 4: When and How to Castrate a Giant Animal

Animal population control is serious business in most countries, including the United States where all sorts of livestock are castrated. This keeps animals from getting aggressive and lets farmers direct breeding efforts to maintain high quality livestock. But not all animals are created equal, and so not all animals are a quick snip-and-brand or snip-and-stitch surgery.

First off, did you know that not every animal has testicles that descend from their body? Sometimes, those things stay inside and hidden, and you have to go rootin' around looking for them like a pig with a prize truffle.

Testicle, truffle, whatever.

14 Days of Genitals, Day 3: Double The Trauma(ta) for all of Squamata

Unpleasant penis surprise of the week: all squamates have been blessed with a pair of peckers. Check out the goods on that Burmese Python below!

Double Penetration takes on a new meaning

14 Days of Genitals, Day 2: Gettin' busy with Hymenoptera

Hymenoptera is an order of insects that includes wasps, bees, and ants. Whether a hymenopteran is male or female is determined by the number of chromosomes an individual gets: if you get a full set, congrats on your upcoming lady parts, but only half and you just get to be a dude-bee (sorry). 

GUESS WHICH BEE ONLY HAS HALF A SET OF CHROMOSOMES???

The extra chromosomes come entirely from the mother, which means that putting hos before bros actually gives your genes a greater advantage. Hymenopterans are often eusocial: they have hives with female workers, a queen, and a couple of random dudes just around for baby making (less fun when you realize that mating actually turns their testicles inside out).

14 Days of Genitals, Day 1: The Moose Mark of Shame

Moose are really quite remarkable yet hideous beasts. Amy may have spent all summer hurling insults at those “pee-brained ungulates!” this past summer, but deep down inside she respects those awkward half-turkey, half-horse creatures.

Life can be hard when you're THAT DUMB